Monday, December 24, 2012

It’s Christmas Eve, don’t be a Wal-Mart person.


It’s Christmas Eve, and if you are like me, you still have shopping to do. Whatever you do, don’t go to Wal-Mart.
I know it has been said before, that Wal-Mart is full of  Wal-Mart people, it’s dingy and gross, the workers look suicidal and the cashiers really hate your guts. It’s just that, well, they have everything. Damn them!
December 23rd 2012 9:38 PM
The world didn’t end, stupid Mayans. That means that all the stuff I was putting off doing for the holidays, just in case, has become quite overdue.  
As soon as I walk in, I’m impressed at how many people are holiday procrastinators, just like me. I’m also terrified, that I fall into the same category as most of these people. I’m immediately thankful I didn’t over dress for the outing. Most people I see are in very short booty shorts, dirty pajamas, and flip flops, sorely in need of a shower and a 90 day food cleanse.
I settle on a cart, after realizing that every single one of them has a wheel that will always go left when you are going right, and get my essentials in record time.  I head to the line at the “garden center”; BIG mistake. As I stand in line waiting for every single person to price match their items, I begin reconsidering how many of these things could be lived without if I just left Wal-Mart now. Then, I hear a mother and her 4 year old daughter screaming at each other.
Let’s set this up, shall we? Standing in front of me is the Mom. She is in a tweety bird sweatshirt, non-matching sweatpants that have dragged on the floor for most of their life and a pair of flip flops that really have been over flipped and flopped. Daughter is a miniature version of Mom; she is holding a stuffed Christmas kitten toy.
Daughter: “Mommy, can I have a jingle kitty?”
Mom: “I said no, and I mean NO!”
Daughter: “Please momma, pleaaaaasse! PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE! It’s so furry and it has jingles and…”
Mom: “You better stop askin’ me for that jingle kitty, or I’m gonna beat your hiney!”
Daughter: “No momma, no don’t you beat my hiney! I want my jingle kitty!”
Mom: “I’m gonna beat your hiney, I’m gonna beat it! You better believe it, I’m gonna beat your hiney!”
The daughter kicked her mother in the shin, ran out the door with the jingle kitty, and Mom ran out behind her, screaming about her hiney.
None of the workers seemed to care that we were all witness to blatant shoplifting. Not only did I have to see child abuse, but I was still looking at another half hour in this line, at least. I wonder if being a Wal-Mart person is contagious. I shudder at the thought. This stuff never happens at Target.

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