Dear Crotchety People in restaurants,
I saw you cringe when my husband, daughter and I entered the restaurant and the hostess led us to the booth behind you. I know you were wondering why I brought a Princess Tiana backpack. Do you even know who Princess Tiana is?
I know it’s noisy when she starts emptying the backpack and 4,000 princesses spill out all over the floor. We are going to meet in a second when I politely ask you to move your feet so I can crawl under your table to get Sleeping Beauty.
Yes. I realize my child is singing to herself as she colors in her coloring book and occasionally screams when a crayon drops on the floor. Of course I am telling her to go get it herself, so that is why she is ducking under the table and popping up saying, “I got it!” in a loud and proud way.
Sure, she is most definitely kicking the back of the booth we share and trust me I am noticing your looks, loud sighs and grumbles.
I’m apologizing in advance for the way she is going to stare at you while you eat. She isn’t going to stop. She might even point and say something inappropriate about your appearance out loud. She is three and she doesn’t understand subtlety yet.
You are going to hear my husband and I pretend we are princesses while we wait for our food. She will yell at us if we break character, so our family conversation is going to sound kind of odd. I will try to make her be Ariel, that way she won’t have a voice. That is my gift to you.
The waitress will be coming over to us a lot, because;
A: There just aren’t enough napkins in the world, and
B: We will probably spill at least one of our drinks.
It will be everywhere, maybe even entering into our shared under- the- booth space. Bus boys will come with mops and rags and it’s going to be really annoying. My child will try to “help”.
There will be at least two times you are going to hear in the loudest voice ever, “I HAVE TO GO POTTY!” That will be 10 minutes of peace for you to enjoy eating.
So, I’m sorry crotchety people that we have ruined your dinner. But honestly, if you dare to say anything to me, I’m going to call you crotchety to your face.