Friday, February 15, 2013

Mom Jeans and Other Horrors from a Wardrobe Gone Mom.

Today when I was getting dressed a realization hit me hard. I was wearing Mom Jeans. It came to me as I was zipping up the fly. The zipper kind of pinched my belly button, and that’s when I had the following interior monologue,

“Hmm. Why does this zipper go past my belly button? Hey, this is a really long zipper, oh my God. These are Mom Jeans. NOOOOOOOOOO!”

I stared up at the sky, and continued to scream in agony. Rain fell, an indie song started to play, and my hair got really wet and stringy. Yes, that is exactly how it happened.

After I calmed down a bit I had to reflect. I had bought these jeans a year ago. I have been wearing them often. How had I not noticed this? Looking in the mirror I saw all the Mom Jeans characteristics in full display. Long butt. Very long zipper. Extremely high waist. Very large pockets.

What else in my wardrobe has been mommed out? I was at peace with my Mom Bag situation. However, now I had to look into my closet with a new perspective, and give myself a reality check on what other mom outfits needed to go.

Hey you. Why are you here little guy? Why did I buy you? Is there a reason I felt compelled to buy something that kept my body warm but my arms cold? When have I ever complained of really hot arms, but a really cold torso? OOO you are fleece. I think that all that cat hair enhances your appearance.

Oh my God. Are you sneakers? Are you shoes? WHAT ARE YOU? You are freakin’ comfortable that’s what you are. Do I wear you with socks? Because that’s what I’ve been doing. Wearing socks with you, nice fluffy white socks.

Hey guys! Ahhh… remember when we first saw each other? It was right after the baby was born. Nothing fit me, but you did. You never judged me. Oh yes, you’re fleece too. I must have been in a fleece stage or something? Anyway, why are you periwinkle?

Oh you are so tricky! Full of surprises. No one would ever know that you are ONE shirt… a sweater over a fitted blouse, that’s what they think you are. But oh no… you are not. Very classy.

Yeah, you just say it all, don’t you? “I am not getting dressed today. I just want to be left alone, with a Lifetime movie on and a box of something chocolaty.” This was also bought off QVC, which makes it all the more awesome.

Who am I fooling? I am not throwing any of these golden staples of my wardrobe away. That just isn’t happening.  These things are kind of like “Mom” herself, cozy, non-judgmental, cuddly, a bit unfashionable but always loveable. And even though I will try to stop wearing them in public, the truth is, I probably won’t. In fact, I’m wearing my periwinkle fleece pants right now.

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