Thursday, March 7, 2013
My Cat Loves it When I’m Sick
So I came down with a nasty little bug this morning, and the most beautiful thing happened. No one wanted to be near me.
They high tailed it out of there, the moment they saw my green face. I was left alone, with a gallon of Gatorade and the remote control. Oh yeah. What’s a little stomach bug when I get to watch whatever I want on TV? And at least when I’m puking in the bathroom, no one is “keeping me company” while I do it. I get to sleep! Sure, it is a fitful feverish crazy dream sleep where I wake up feeling like death is upon me, but it is uninterrupted.
The cats are thrilled. For them it is an ideal day. The little noisy human is gone, they sense my weakness and they get to lie all over me. They get to do that thing, that weird cat thing, where they bite my hair and kind of mold it into a pillow for them to sleep in. I never let them do that when I’m healthy enough to shoo them away. I also let them drink my Gatorade.
I cannot believe I’ve lived this long without seeing some of these Lifetime movies. These are classics. Here are a few that I would say are “Must See”:
Co-Ed Call Girl – Tori Spelling is a struggling college student who can’t find any part-time work to support herself, so instead of putting in some hours at the mall like the rest of us did, she is becomes a high-end prostitute. Fascinating points of the movie – Tori’s hair is very very blonde. Moral of the story – Men are bad.
To Be Fat Like Me – This is a very serious movie, where Kaley Cuoco (pre- Big Bang Theory) stars as a popular skinny girl who decides to dress up in a hysterically comical fat suit and video document her struggles during summer school. Fascinating point of the movie- the fat suit looks like a sumo wrestler fat suit, but is somehow convincing to everyone around her. Moral of the story – Men are bad.
She’s Too Young – A goody two shoes high school girl gets a venereal disease! So shocking. Fascinating point of the movie – Throwback! It was made ten years ago and the high school kids all use instant messaging. Moral of story – Men are bad, even in high school.
As the end of the day draws near, I will eventually be reunited with the people I live with. They will greet me in the same clothes they left me in, but surrounded by tissues, cats sleeping in my hair, half empty glasses of Gatorade and germs. Lots of germs.
The cats will give them irritated looks, as they slink off to retreat to higher ground so as to avoid the little human they dislike so much. Thanks to the Lifetime Movie Network, I will be slightly more of a feminist than when they left me in the early morning. The cats and I will have bonded.